Christmas and Santa - Connection?

Yes, as it happens.

Here is an exert of a conversation I had with my Dad earlier.

Me: But surely Santa is a cruel myth because you are giving something that doesn't exist credit for your work.
Dad: Isn't that what Christianity is?

And their we have it. The cynical, atheist link between Santa and Christmas.

Merry Christmas chumps! :)

My so-called life

Don't worry, It's not about the show. I just felt like writing about my life as is the usual topic of posting on a blog. The only reason I don't write about my everyday happenings is because I'm not usually that self-obsessed. Plus the only people who would find my life interesting is me (And even that's a shaving of the truth).

My life of a few months in one paragraph.

I lost my job six months ago at XFM. Have spent that time in and out of the dole office while working day-jobs throughout. Two months ago, I retrieved my job at XFM (although with less hours but more pay). And am still looking for another job to keep me financially stable again. Just had a job interview to teach radio at my old college. Which if I get will mean the world to me. Mainly because I get to talk about my chosen profession to the so-called 'stars of tomorrow', which to me sounds like some 70's B-movie starring an over-weight yet compelling William Shatner battling sun-aliens of the future.

Which if any movie producers are reading, is not a good idea for a film. Neither is remaking classic sci-fi's like 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' or High School Music 4. Which if they ever did make would become the 4th Horseman to the motion picture apocalypse. Spelling the end to good taste and creative thinking across the world. I mean, I have no problem with the actors in these films. I just think that if I were ever offered a role in such a film, I would be concerned why the job description would include the line: 'Souls only. No CVs accepted'.

Ok, I will stop this rant before I get out of hand and start talking about who might be the anti-christ again.

Much love

Internet Stuff, Yeah?

We all know that the Internet is good for a laugh. We've all seen two girls vomit in each others mouths (www.thatsphucked.com/post/2007/11/2-girls-1-cup-video.aspx) and a midget dancing in a Chuck Norris costume (www.chucknorrismidget.com). Hell, I've even seen a girl fart on a cake for sexual pleasure (www.cakefarter.com).

But today there is new awesomeness on the net. Firstly, a company called the QPR Institute (http://www.qprinstitute.com/) Although they are nothing to do with the football team, their supporters could soon be part of the client base as they are an organisation that teaches you how to prevent suicides. They expect you to pay them, in order to learn how to stop a suicidal person from committing suicide. I don't know about you but from my experience suicidal tendencies, large amounts of human contact from ill informed strangers is usually the reason you want to commit suicide.

And secondly, possibly the best news story concerning come-up pence ever! I think it's best if you just read this one: http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=161348&catid=3

Fuck Baillie!

Ok, well I'm writing this for two reasons. Firstly, it's a warm up to start writing something else, plus an excuse to get this bint off my chest.

Georgina Baillie, what the fuck is up with this obscenely fame-hungry social succubus.

I'm just trying to level up the hypocrisy in what she has been doing. She, of course, is now known as the person at the centre of the Brand/Ross/Manuel scandal. But why is she there?

Let's weigh up the facts here. Brand and Ross made some obscene phone-calls to so-called 'national treasure' Andrew Sachs. Ross made the comment about Brand sleeping with his granddaughter and then they sang him a song as an apology. Not really much there to be honest. Only two people complained when it was broadcast. That was until the fetus-munching cretins of the national press got involved and that 2 became thousands within days.

Of course, what they printed in their rags was what I have just told you. Yes, it is complain worthy at first glance but what they left out of their reports was, literally, journalism. They didn't give a single mention of any additional information concerning the story. This included the oh-so minor fact that Brand DID sleep with Baillie. There was no libel case here because the accusations made were true. And that Andrew Sachs did not what the issue to go any further (after all, they only called him because he was due to appear on Brand's show and did not turn with letting them know).

The only reason this spun way out of hand was due to the aforementioned self proclaimed Satanic slut Georgina Baillie. A possible living life-lesson in the making, as of course we are used to see people who act like this in films get their comeuppance sooner or later.

Ok, yeah, she was 'offended' by the remarks made. God knows why. But then she has the tenacity to strip off for Zoo magazine. Fucking topless in one the cheapest, nastiest, wouldn't-buy-it-even-if-an-immediate-wank-was-needed-or-my-balls-would-explode magazines on the rack of magazines for men who are afraid of vaginas. 'How dare you make remarks about my sex life on national radio... but here's my tits!'

As far as I am concerned Georgina Baillie has cost two talented people their jobs and had one of the most hard-working men in TV suspended from his contract. For an incident that shouldn't have gone anywhere.

So if you were one of those people that complained dispite never hearing what was said, Fuck off and next time why not turning over the channel and watching something that doesn't offend you. After all, we all have to watch TV and some of us aren't so put off by something as stupid as all this.

Chinese Democracy

Well, I am currently listening to a preview copy of the new Guns n Roses album 'Chinese Democracy'. I am only a few songs in but there is one thing that I can't help but notice about this album. Axl Rose has pulled a Madonna. I know that may not make the most sense so I'll explain.

I was watching some trashy MTV show a few years ago and the TV bint was talking about Madonna and how she 'reinvented' herself by following the contemporary sound of that particular time in music. In other words, Madonna rips off other popular artists in order to shift records.

Now if we take this ethos to Chinese Democracy, you can hear direct rip offs in almost every song (Ironically enough, Velvet Revolver seems to be the main influence on title track 'Chinese Democracy' and 'Shakler's Revenge' could easily have been a Rob Zombie outake. Hell, even 'Streets of Dreams' has a Caleb from Kings of Leon vocal style to it).

Aside from the musical plagerism, I find it very difficult to hate this album. It took 14 years, $13 million and a flood of changing band members to make it, so it really should be the best damn album ever (in theory). But its not. To be honest, it feels like an album which would have been forgotten about by Christmas just because it lacks any really effort. If it was going to go anywhere, it would have needed more potential than 'Appitite for Destruction'.

Instead, its a mediocre recording with ever questionable vocals from Axl Rose and a 'cut and pasting' of the most popular rock genres of the last decade. But at least it has a better production job than 'Death Magnetic'.

Real-Life Metaphor

Today, I experienced a real life metaphor. I had to trim the edges of two doors in the house so they fitted in the frame. One of them had never fit its frame, while the other had only recently started to sink closer to the floor.

Now for the metaphor, in its full beard-stroking glory: Fix a door that once held its frame is easy, Fix a door that never held its frame takes an hour and makes you miss The Simpsons.

I'm not sure when in life this metaphor fits, but any ideas, answers on a postcard.

Dead Set

I am someone who finds it very hard to get excited about new TV shows. Usually because they don't live up to the hype or I don't fancy taking an hour out of my social life each week to watch them. But when Charlie Brooker decides to combine Big Brother and zombies, I can't help but grab my groin in excitement.

It's going to be called 'Dead Set' and is going to be shown on E4 in the next few months. From what I can gather, the story is that while Big Brother is going on, a zombie outbreak occurs. Leaving the housemates obvious to what is going on outside (until they get evicted anyway).

Charlie Brooker, the man behind Screenwipe and Nathan Barley, finally looks like he is going to poke fun at reality TV the way it should be done. By watching the contestants get ripped to pieces.

http://www.e4.com/deadset/flash.html

Oh Deer!

Last night, I had one of those once in a lifetime deals which was confusing, nerve-racking and eventually fucking terrifying. So I'll try and tell the story as best I can.

After getting home from the pub last night at about 1:30am (It was a long drive home), I got dropped off near the path into my estate and started walking back to the house. It was a really quiet night, mainly because it was the middle of the night on a Sunday/Monday morning. So as I am walking from the side road to the main road down the middle of my estate, I was confronted. Not by people, but by deer. Two fucking deer were in the middle of the road just staring at me.

After the three of us shared puzzled looks for a few seconds, I continued to walk to my house. Which was unfortunately in the direction of the deer. But after a few paces, they quickly bolted down the road. However they did go to the part of road that I live on, and I'm right at the end. So now one way or another I needed to walk past them.

As I got to almost half way down my section of road, the deer were still looking at me. And as I was not slowing down, the mother deer obviously thought that I was a threat and began darting left to right and bucking on her hind legs. This is when I thought Bambi's Mum was about to lay the smackdown on me. So I stopped walking and the deer shortly stopped bucking, but instead just stood there at me, not moving with her calf behind her.

After I thought she had calmed down, I thought it was safe to start to walk again. The deer didn't move though. So I kept on walking, trying to steer left of the deer but it still wasn't moving. And once I had gotten to the closest I was going to get to it as I was walking past (about 6ft), it lunged at me and bit into my right arm. It was so painful but I tried not to yell so I wouldn't wake the neighbours. Instead I kicked the deer somewhere between the lower neck and upper chest. She quickly let go of me after that and ran off down the road.

However the bite had gone through the skin with almost every tooth mark. So I had to call an ambulance. It came after about 10 minutes and I just sat against my garage door because I thought if I went inside I'd get blood everywhere. The paramedics were great though. They got me in the ambulance really quickly and without asking too many questions.

Once at the hospital, they gave me a shot of something with a very long name. All I can tell you is that it could help against any infection I might have. They also took a sample of my blood to test it in case I had caught anything. They said it would be 2-3 weeks before I found out the result, so I'm a little nervous right now. But I'm sure I'll be fine. Once that was all done, they bandaged me up and sent me home with a note that basically said that if I start feeling sick to call the number on there and I could be seen by one of there doctors later that day. Which was pretty nice of them...

Actually, that whole last bit didn't happen. After our Mexican stand-off, the mother deer ran off with her calf behind some cars and around me to get out of the road. So I just walked the rest of the way to my house and went to bed. So you can see why I made up the other ending.

Holiday in Devon

Well, In a much needed cobweb blowing escapade, I went on holiday to Devon. Wasn't really a proper holiday though, it was much better than that. My friend Nim has a couple of parents who live out in the country and so we rudely decided to crash at their place for five days. It was awesome and loads of fun was had.

But now onto the laughter. On one of the nights driving back from the civilisation to the wilderness, I was shall we say 'feeling a bit weird'. So I waited for the conversation in the car to die down before shouting the word 'BADGER!' at the top of my voice for really no reason. Nim had the shit scared out of her and Will was laughing his arse off. However, Steve did not take too kindly to a half-cut moron in the backseat shouting 'BADGER!' at the top of his lungs into his ear. Revenge was swiftly taken.

We had been driving down a country path for a good ten minutes by now and the sun had been down for about an hour. So to say it was pretty dark is a royal understatement. It was darker than dark. The sky was overcast so no moonlight, no stars, no streetlights for at least ten miles. We were in bat country!

So Steve decides to stop the car, turn off the engine and turn off the headlights. Just by doing that he managed to bring out a primal fear of the dark I never knew I had. Mainly because I had never been somewhere so dark outdoors before. And I think its fair to say that I may have screamed like a little girl. I was shaking up a treat! Probably because we had stopped next to a gate and my mind in that position was 'gates are the front doors of serial killers'. And so after about a minute of this, Steve turned on the car and its headlights and drove us home.

However I only wished that when he did turn the headlights back on, there indeed was a badger sitting patiently for us in the road.

Bad times

Well, I am now in the ever growing pool of human conscienceness known as the unemployed. Quite a deep pool really. Probably enough to drown in and you certainly wouldn't want to drink it.

The reason for this of course is due to new bosses in the company coming in and deciding that I'm just not worth the money. Which is of course is such a welcome blow to my self esteem as this was now two weeks ago and I'm still not getting any call back.

On the bright side, it has given me a chance to have some fun. Was working on the set of Mock the Week the other day, which was mighty exciting. And my website should finally be up once I get my last pay cheque. Then the fun can really start.

Well, thats all for now. I'm off to watch Mock the Week to see if they stole any of my jokes...

Best Fetish Ever!

During one of my usual YouTube browsing, I stumpled across a very strange video.

It was of a woman in a PVC cat-suit flirting with the camera and giving it all that (so to speak). That is until a cream pie is thrown at her face. She appears to be getting turned on by this, so she gets another thrown at her. And another. She is clearly having way too much fun.

Then the camera cuts to the same girl sitting provocatively on a wooden chair before being given a 'Noel's House Party' style gunging.

It's wonderful, hilarious and a must-see family favourite. Unforunately, the youtube channel it's on doesn't let you embed their videos so I'll just tell you the name of the youtube channel: barbarian4824

But there are many more than just that one video, theres about 40.

Check them out and spread the word.

More Barrel Scraping to Come

For those of you who are fans of such shows as 'Britains Got Talent', 'X Factor', 'Grease is the Word', 'Pop Idol', 'Any Dream will Do', 'How to Solve a Problem like Maria', 'Chelsea Flower Show' and 'Britain's Favourite Turnip', you will be pleased to know that the BBC has not given up on the successful 'lets try and find talent in a bunch of medicore hacks' based programmes.

'Last Choir Standing' (I'm not joking, that is its name) is a new reality talent show pitting choirs of various styles against each other in a search to find Britain's best choir.

I have only one question: Why?

Why do we care or indeed why do we need to know. How will this improve our day to day live? Will we actually feel better when we send in our £1.25 a go text to send our favourite team through to the next round?

I'm not really having a go at the TV companies for this. Of course, the formula to these shows has been infinately successful. But Choirs?! I think it's got to the point where we are no longer scaping the barrel, but have punched a hole in the barrel and are now shovoling the shit the barrel is sitting in.

Douchebag of the Day

If there was a daily competition to find a douchebag for every day in the forseeable future - Ian Usher would be a good place to start.

This guy decided that his divorce from his wife was so bitter, he had to sell anything associated with her. Which was coincidentally his whole life, and where would he put all his worldy goods up for sale... ebay of course!

This moron actually put his whole 'life' up on ebay in an open auction, which included his home, car, motorcycle, jet ski, a contract with his current employer and a personnal introduction to all his friends (None of whom have probably stuck around after they found out what he was up to).

But the dick only managed to round up £192,000 for it. Thats it! Not even £200,000 for his entire life. No wonder his wife left him. She probably saw him for the worthless prat he is and walked.

The extended story is here.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7479836.stm

Week off

Well, I'm about four days into my week off.

I've got about two bottles of Jack Daniels running stale in my veins while I plan the next drinking time. Really shouldn't be given time off because I obviously can't deal with not doing anything so I just turn to the bottle instead.

Also I think it's beginning to affect my mind. I've spent the last few days trying to base a religion around an oversized kettle chip. This is definately gonna be one of those jokes that gets way out of hand.

Toodles for now!

RIP George Carlin

Well as some may have heard, George Carlin is dead. You can read the whole news article here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7468681.stm

And to those unfamiliar with his greatest work, here it is:

Sometimes, Commuting is Funny

I'm writing this just because it is possibly one of the best things I have ever witnessed.

Tonight, I was catching my train back from London back home. The train was smaller than usual so it was quite cramped and all the seats were filled. I was sitting on a three-seat area with some youngish geezer type next to me and a well-aged woman the furtherest from myself.

After about 20 minutes on the train, the guy sitting next to me decided to sit further forward on his seat and perch on the edge. Why? Because the woman had begun to doze off and was repeatedly knocking her head on his shoulder. So obvious he was just trying to stop himself from getting annoyed.

But the absence of her human pillow didn't stop her from sleep bobbing and continued to let her head fall behind the guy. However, I noticed that the bobbing had ended and her head was now sliding behind the guy down as far as his lower back.

Now, you may think that you know where this story is going... but no.

At that point when her head was all the way down, she subconsciously realised where she was going and retracted. At the exact same, the train swerved quite violently. The effort of her pulling her head up plus the added momentum of the swerve propelled her from her seat, across the aisle, with her head landing perfectly between the legs of a sleeping businessman.

It was at this point that both the woman and businessman woke up to discover themselves in this extremely unusual position. The woman obvoiusly deeply embarrassed got out of his lap, apologised and sat back in her seat.

I don't think I have ever wanted to laugh so hard in my life. She got off about two stops later and as her feet hit the platform, about a dozen witnesses all simultaneously pissed themselves with laughter.

Milky Pumps

Just a quick to inform you of possibly one of the greatest business models I have ever read.

Over in the British province known as the USA, some clever bastard has combined two of my greatest loves. Tits and coffee. There is actually a coffee shop over in America where all the baristas (sp?) are wearing either swim or underwear.

Of course the concept has been met with huge controversy (although I think the irony is that those stirring the controversy probably spat out there coffee after reading this).

I, of course, would embrace the idea of this being opened over here as a British franchise (mainly because I have a Y in my chromosome), however I probably wouldn't like to order a Frapachino with cream in there as in this context is does sound like pure smut.

If you don't believe me here's one of the news articles about it:

http://www.thenewstribune.com/news/local/story/368860.html

Just a quickie...

Right, well its late and I've just got back from work but I just wanted to give a little heads up to people on the deodourant front.

There is this new chocolate deodourant that Lynx have just bought out. If you don't know its the one where the advert is saying 'if you spray this on yourself, girls will literally tear you apart limb by limb'. Although the cannibalism wasn't the reason I put it on, simply I ran out of my own brand so used my brothers Lynx instead.

And it burned like a motherfucker. There is no dignity in trying to wash off freshly sprayed on deodourant while he stinging pain causes your eyes to swell up so you end up looking like a demented mace victim.

Thats all I really had to say. Nothing much, just thought that others might get a kick out of my pain.

Warning: May contain peril

Some scallies may tell you that working for a reputable radio station in the heart of London is one bloody great laugh. It is an endless menagerie of good times and heart-felt memories. Well they're bloody liars, and here's why:

Today I was working with fellow XFM minions, Brendan and Temoor, at the Astoria covering the Black Keys gig. It was the usual flyering and sign-ups that usually plague the shift of the street teamer. But as most will know the Astoria has a single-laned street next to it which is used to relieve the traffic coming out of Soho Square, and as we pretty much have to stand in that street to do our jobs, we would constantly have to move right up to the barrier to avoid joining the cyclists most of the cars are dragging around.

Anyway about half an hour into our shift and we see a fire-engine heading down the road (at full throttle I may add), so we made an unconscious decision the move to the other side of the road. Then as the fire-engine came hurtling towards us, it jumped the kerb and headed straight for me. It actually was going to hit me. I felt my life flash before my eyes (which as it turns out reminded me that I must get out more) as I saw my assassin through the windscreen. The dark and emptiness in his eyes let me know that he was not human, but a cold hard killer bent on mowing down innocent bystanders (or he was just tired).

But at the last second I leapt out of the way. Possibly yelping as I did so but as the siren was on, no-one had seemed to hear it. However what they did hear was the cursing I gave the driver as he was driving off in a sort of haven't-got-the-balls-to-s

ay-it-to-his-face kind of way.

I survived this time but always keep one eye over your shoulder because you never know when Fireman Slam is coming for you.